How and why do we have this need for kink?


My research on Dominating has been quite the educational experience. I have truly enjoyed learning about what makes the other half tick. Whether you are submissive, dominant or both we all share inclinations and desires that are far from the realm of “normal”.

I have thought a lot about why I crave submission so intensely. For me, BDSM is as much about the mind as it is about the body and sex. Probably even more so now than in the past. 

Not all that long ago, BDSM like so many other “unusual” sexual preferences, was thought to be deviant and even a mental disorder. Fortunately our society has become less repressed and more tolerant of alternative lifestyle’s. Studies even back up that it is perfectly healthy engage in consensual kink if that is your thing.

Research been done to understand why someone may have a strong need for sadomasochistic relationships or other similar non mainstream sexual activities. One such theory is that at some point during childhood, sexual arousal was paired with a painful experience. If this is true I have no idea how this first got “paired” for me. I know it had to have been a long time ago because as far back as I can remember I have had fantasies about being dominated, raped or imprisoned by a strong forceful man. I didn’t pay a lot of attention to them growing up most likely because sex was only ever discussed in a general and vague way. I also  didn’t have access to the wealth of information that is available today.

Sir was the first (and only) man to lead the beast inside me into reality and I would never again be the same. Once that chemical reaction was ignited in my brain (and body) I was hooked. In the case of someone like me who prefers more forceful sexual stimulation, the pain actually increases the endorphin’s released by the brain during sex. So when my endorphin system is triggered by sexual arousal and submissive pain simultaneously research shows that I release twice the endorphin s than by sexual arousal alone. There is absolutely nothing like it in the world! It’s no wonder I got hooked.

The other important chemical heightened during bdsm activities is the neurotransmitter dopamine which regulates the reward system in the brain. Like with drugs such as heroin and opiates, bdsm has the potential to be very addictive. It mimics the endorphin release which makes you want more and with increased repetition over time it inevitably leads to stronger and stronger cravings. Brain scans of people who identify as submissive or dominate are shown to have sharp spikes in adrenaline when exposed to bdsm porn while those without such inclinations did not. These same results were also found in the brains of drug addicts when presented with their drug of choice or even if just asked to imagine it. It doesn’t surprise me that bdsm can be as addictive as drugs. While I can’t speak to drugs, nothing has ever come close to being as addictive as submission and all that goes with it. The cravings and withdrawal can be downright painful.

Back to how a person ends up Dominant or submissive. Another theory suggests that it’s not a childhood mishap but instead  simply part of one’s genetic makeup. Probably the same part that determines if we are hetero or homosexual or identify with a gender different from the one we were born as.

This makes me wonder if exposed to D/S over time can someone learn to love kink or is it something you either are or you aren’t. For example will I ever be  so turned on by dominating that I NEED it to be 100% fulfilled like I do with submission or can I just experiment with it, have a good time but not care if I ever do it again. I am leaning towards the later. Don’t get me wrong. I am totally enjoying this new phase of my adventure and am excited  imagining myself in a dominating role but if afterwards, if I never do it again I can’t imagine the cravings would haunt me like they do with submission/pain. In fact, a large part of why exploring domination has been as exciting as it has been is because  I am ultimately being submissive to Sir.

That’s the part that makes my pussy tingle.

Whether we are born this way or are triggered in childhood, is the inclination for bdsm something you can ignore? Maybe but probably not long term and not without tremendous effort and misery. I am sure you could muddle through a vanilla existence but I don’t believe you will ever be completely sexually satisfied. I liken it to someone denying they are homosexual. I know people do it all the time but I don’t believe they can ever be truly happy this way. In the end, while it may be controlled or subdued for a while, it can never be erased.

A common misconception is that bdsm participants are emotionally damaged and unable to connect sexually in a normal way. This is absolutely false.

According to the majority of the research, not only are we NOT mentally defective, we are more likely to be happier and well-adjusted than our vanilla friends. This is largely because this lifestyle requires open communication and vulnerability which naturally brings people closer. With Sir, we felt free to be open with our fantasies. Luckily for us they matched up quite well if not perfectly. In fact there was not one idea he shared with me that I even contemplated turning down.

A study published in the journal of Sexual medicine found that people who practice BDSM scored higher than the general population on certain important indicators of mental health including:

– degree of neurosis
– security in relationships
– over all well-being
– levels of extroversion
– openness to new experiences

The one thing they scored lower on is rejection sensitivity (which is a measure of how paranoid people are about others not liking them). Personally I believe I care less about what other people think or at the very least, I care the average amount whatever that is. 

So, while it is not crystal clear exactly why BDSM practitioners seem to be psychologically healthier than the general public, study after study shows that they are. One theory is that because they are more in tune with their sexual needs this translates into less sexual frustration. It takes a lot of self-awareness to ultimately understand one’s unusual sexual inclinations which leads to more positive mental health. We are more like to be true to ourselves and not just following the herd. This study also found that participants of consensual bdsm report increased bonding with partners and have significantly lower cortisol levels which is a physiological indicator of stress.

Ultimately it comes down to this. It is wise to be true to yourself. This isn’t just with kink but with all aspects of who you are. To  do otherwise will bring at the very least, less pleasure and in some cases, absolute misery. Whatever your fetish, it is part of your who you are and whether you got there due to nature or nurture or both doesn’t really matter. You only have one life so enjoy it and make sure it is the most fulfilling version you can make it!

9 thoughts on “How and why do we have this need for kink?

  1. What an interesting read. So- my back story- started out submissive to a lady 15 years older than me. Light, sensual exploration, but submission/Mrs Robinson, nonetheless. It was later ( 5 years or so) after the relationship that I started practicing Domination on a 100% submissive girlfriend. At the beginning, she was definitely ‘Topping from the bottom’ , but I lived and I learned. Hence, now accepting Dominant as the main role in all relationships moving forward. Do I ever think about those early ‘sub’ days She had a way with some CBT that still makes me ‘tingle’ when I think of it…
    Sorry for rambling!

    Liked by 2 people

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