A light at the end of the tunnel

So, I’ve been having a bit of a personal crisis of sorts. I know feelings need attention and processing but I noticed that when I recently let myself go there, I ended up in a pretty pathetic state. Sorry if this offends anyone but bad self-esteem is sooooo unattractive and even repulsive sometimes! I mean if you don’t think your worth anything, why would I? Lightening bolt moment. Thanks to the wise words of my friend, guru and greatest teacher I’m starting to come out of my dark place.
Sir is an amazing, complex free spirit. In the nearly 9 years we have known each other our relationship has gone places most never do. It has never been normal by anyone’s standards but it is uniquely ours. He has given me some of the greatest joy and deepest pain I have ever known and I wouldn’t change any of it. Knowing him has changed my life in profound ways and he will always be a bit of a mythical hero in my book. 
I don’t always open up to him about the really tough stuff. Despite being submissive to him, I hate for him to see me as weak. I hate anyone to see me that way actually. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But recently, all the changes in my life along with working through issues in therapy had me in a pretty dark place and I needed him. Perseverance and tenacity have always been both my greatest blessing and biggest downfall. Sometimes my mind gets stuck or fixated on an idea. Must be the Taurus in me. This has brought me both great success and destructive failures. Part of my sadness was that I was mourning the end of our relationship but it didn’t really end. It changed and it will change again and again after that. What is ironic is that I was always fine with it changing. In fact, it has never been anything other than change which is a large part of why it has always been so rewarding and exciting. 
Anyway, after I reached out to him in my ultra vulnerable state, he wrote me a very thoughtful and profound email. He is quite the writer. He doesn’t write very often but every time he does, I am blown away. He said a lot of things that resonated with me but there were a few things that really hit me.
 
“I love you, I’ve loved other people and I’ll love some I’ve not met yet.  I don’t particularly believe in true love, or perfect love or the one.  I believe in finding the best happiness I can every day with the circumstances I have in front of me.
 
Reading this changed something in me. “Finding the best happiness I can every day with the circumstances I have in front of me….”  All last night, I kept hearing this in my head. This is the total opposite of how I have been living my life. I have arranged things to assure I  can be in complete control. I have been micro managing my interactions with men to assure no one got too close. While flat and uninspired as it sounds, this worked for me for awhile. It served a purpose.
Until one day when to my horror, I started to getting attached to Jason. 
This sent me into a panic. A literal tailspin really. I thought “No way! This can’t happen. I will die before I let this fucking happen.” I felt my control slipping away and the more I tried to control my feelings, the worse it got. From there, my insecurity started brewing. I started thinking about all the reasons why he was so much better than me and how I would undoubtedly fuck everything up and he would just leave. In order to compensate for my perceived shortcomings, I kept my distance from him. I purposely ignored his texts. I played games and played hard to get. Stupid stuff. This all made me miserable. Ugh. How depressing and pathetic and can you say guaranteed failure? I let this bring up all my feelings of inadequacy. I let myself spiral into that wind tunnel of despair. I let it effect my whole life and as well as my time with him. 
The odds are great that you will find heartbreak again in this life.  While I don’t wish that for you, I would rather your find heartbreak in the pursuit of something rather then walling yourself off against the possibility of it.  Heartbreak rarely kills one and it reflects the capacity for love and devotion in equal measure.
Yikes. This hit me hard too. I was a closed steel box. How fun and sexy is that? I didn’t let myself enjoy the experience with Jason for what it is. The one happening right now! I was trying so hard to prevent any possibility of heartbreak that I not only squelched the pleasure, I made myself miserable.
I mean who cares what happens in the future? Maybe there won’t even be a future. No one really knows. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I would have spent my last moments not enjoying someone I found a connection with because I was worrying that tomorrow he might disappear. Instead of savoring the experience I would have spent my last minutes keeping him at a distance while simultaneously making myself self think worse and worse about myself.
That is complete insanity and downright foolish.

I still don’t think I am ready for an exclusive relationship. Maybe one day I will, maybe I won’t, but definitely not now. (Although if I ever do, it would absolutely  have to be with someone semi-reckless and with an adventurous streak). I’m not quite ready to give up my adventures with Francesca, David and Sir and anyone else that I find interesting. I just need to stop trying to control the uncontrollable and enjoy the ride. 

There are still so many ideas and experiences I want to explore but I realized I won’t be able to truly enjoy them unless I stop closing myself off.  For today, I am going to enjoy Jason for the charismatic, charming if not slightly maddening, human being he is. If he hurts me? Then he does and I’ll deal with it. 

I picked up my phone and called him this morning. He answered and said “My caller ID says this is E calling but I know it couldn’t possibly be her. She doesn’t talk on the phone. Who is this?” 
“Very funny. You are a funny man. What are you doing right after work?” I asked.
“Just going to the grocery store then picking (daughter) up at practice. Why? What’s going on? You are acting strange. Is this really E?” He joked.
“Yes, it really is. What grocery store and what time?”
“Safeway. Probably around 6:30. Why?”
“Great. I will see you there. Bye!”
A second later I looked down at my phone and saw a text from him “I’m glad you want to meet me at Safeway but you should know I have a rule that women are prohibited to wear panties when grocery shopping with me.”
I smiled. That is such a Jason thing to say.
I have no idea what the future holds. Will he leave? Will I? Probably one of us will and that’s ok. I am going to enjoy him NOW. I am going to live in this very moment. Damn it feels good to say that and actually believe it.
Thank you Sir. My friend, my northern star and greatest teacher. I love you. You mean the world to me and I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Advertisements

Listen to yourself churn

My evening with Jason went fairly well. As always, I learned some interesting things about him as well as myself. He would be considered a catch by anyone’s standards and remains my best chance for success when it comes to normalizing myself. Even though I know he isn’t completely “normal”. He is normal compared to me though. Me and my weird kinky needs. I don’t know what will happen with him and I haven’t been in the mood to think about that today.
Right now, I am going to meet David. We have not got together in a couple weeks so it will be nice to see him. I don’t have anything planned so I am hoping something will come to me in the moment…

No overnights

After conferring with Sir, it has been decided that a sleepover isn’t a good idea. While I first started talking to Jason last July, I didn’t actually meet him until a few days before Christmas and saw him only handful of times after that so I really haven’t spent that much time with him.

It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid so I probably won’t have to say it straight out that I’m not comfortable with with him staying over at this point. I actually prefer men who have kids for this exact reason. They don’t have the time to get too close especially if they have full custody like he does. I’m not saying I’ll never have him stay over but it is going to have to be on my time. One thing I’ve been learning in therapy is that my needs matter and it is important to make them known. In the past, I’ve had the tendency to put a man’s needs first thinking that if I didn’t, they would leave. I guess that is not healthy. Who would have thought?

While I understand this, it doesn’t change the fact that he is very convincing, especially in person. I think this is what scares me the most about him. All though as persuasive as he is, Sir still has way more power than he does…

An Enigma

I told Jason he could come over on Wednesday. He said he would bring over take out from this Thai restaurant he raves about and that we should watch a movie. He said he can’t stay over that night but he wants to the following weekend when his 12 year old daughter who  he has full custody of, has a sleep over. This makes me incredibly anxious and I’m not sure I want to take that kind of step. That is way out of my comfort zone and not something I have done in a long time. 

Other than that, he isn’t clingy. We don’t  even talk every day and half the time I have no clue what he is thinking.  He is very persuasive and just like a typical lawyer, he knows how to argue his point very well. I can’t shake the feeling that I need to protect myself emotionally.  I can’t pinpoint why which makes me wonder if maybe it is just my own experiences with loss and abandonment. I don’t know. I just need to keep a safe emotional distance until I figure it out. 

Back to Business

I’m back from my trip and back to reality. It is always so hard to get away but I’m always so glad when I do. 

I stayed at a friend’s parents house in an over 55 community and it was great! These people know how to party! They drink and have amazing and active sex lives. Not to mention the golfing, shuffleboard, karaoke, swimming and driving to the community restaurant/ bar in your golf cart. I was shocked at how lively the dating scene was. One adorable couple who were both 69 met a on Match.com, moved in together after 6 weeks and got married 3 months after that. As soon as I said how that was moving kind of quickly, I realized how stupid that sounded. Of course, they are going to do all that quickly! It gave me a whole new appreciation for getting old. It seems like a blast. Well, if you have money like most of them do. Being old and poor doesn’t seem like it would be quite so pleasurable.

As for my love life or sex life or whatever fucked up life it is, I am going to try to see both Jason and David this week. It is going to be tough but what he wants he will always get. As long as I have anything to say about it.

So, the madness begins again…

 

 

The next time

I’ve been enjoying the sunny, 80 degree weather in Arizona. Not to mention the rest and relaxation which is something I don’t normally get very much of. 

I’m not ready to go home, yet tomorrow I have to. I wish I could just move somewhere and start all over. Maybe Colorado or New York or Atlanta. Anywhere as long as it’s new. Unfortunately, that just isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Jason seems happy about our night together. He wants to meet again when I get home. I felt like I was completely distracted when we were together last but he didn’t seem to notice so I must have hid it well. 

Maybe next time I can make it better. Be more present and not have so many flashbacks.  I guess with some repetition it will get easier and become my new normal. Whether that is a good or bad thing, I do not know.

An orgasm on a plane

I both fell asleep and woke up a bit melancholy this morning. Not horrible but definitely a touch of malaise. I was glad I had the day off from work because heavy duty concentration was not to be in my immediate future. 

My evening with Jason went as well as could be expected and I made it through without any major panic attacks. I did what I was supposed to so overall I considered it a success. 


Sir seems pleased by my rendezvous with Jason. I have mixed feeling about this. I’m not sure that I like that he likes the the idea of me being with another man. It doesn’t seem right. The good news is that he doesn’t see me as tainted or lesser in eyes which was my biggest fear.


As I boarded my flight from Seattle to Phoenix I got a text. It was Sir telling me to find a way to have an orgasm on the plane. My mood immediately perked up! I love a challenge especially from him.


The flight was full so this was no easy task. I could have just gone in the bathroom but that didn’t seem “exceptional” enough. Too easy. Fortunately I had a window seat and a small throw blanket 🙂


I decided it would be best to wait until after they came by with the drink cart in hopes people would be in more of a lull and settled in. This also gave me more time to get myself “worked up”.


I covered myself with the blanket and turned towards the window as much as looked natural and waited. I had my iPad on my lap with a book from my Kindle app on in so it looked like I was reading. I let about 5 minutes past then very slowly slid my left under the blanket and unzipped my jeans the whole time pretending I reading. I touched myself for maybe 2 or 3 minutes then turned towards the window. I let my mind wander to those places I reserve specifically for these situations. I thought about the task and how much I love to please him and I came with a beautiful ease. Now this was how I like to feel when I have an orgasm! This was easy and inspired and felt damn good!


I looked around and no one was the wiser. I wasn’t quite sure how I would get my jeans zipped up so I just sat there until we landed. Then when everyone was distracted by getting their stuff and getting off the plane I stood up still holding the blanket and turned toward the window and easily zipped them up. Not a soul was the wiser!  


So there it is. My first orgasm on a plane! I’m still not in the mile high club but I’ve got the rest of my life for that one. Right? 


At least when it’s just me, I can always guarantee an orgasm 🙂


I walked off the plane thinking “The world is always a lot more exciting with Sir in it.”