So, I’ve been having a bit of a personal crisis of sorts. I know feelings need attention and processing but I noticed that when I recently let myself go there, I ended up in a pretty pathetic state. Sorry if this offends anyone but bad self-esteem is sooooo unattractive and even repulsive sometimes! I mean if you don’t think your worth anything, why would I? Lightening bolt moment. Thanks to the wise words of my friend, guru and greatest teacher I’m starting to come out of my dark place.
Sir is an amazing, complex free spirit. In the nearly 9 years we have known each other our relationship has gone places most never do. It has never been normal by anyone’s standards but it is uniquely ours. He has given me some of the greatest joy and deepest pain I have ever known and I wouldn’t change any of it. Knowing him has changed my life in profound ways and he will always be a bit of a mythical hero in my book.
I don’t always open up to him about the really tough stuff. Despite being submissive to him, I hate for him to see me as weak. I hate anyone to see me that way actually. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin. But recently, all the changes in my life along with working through issues in therapy had me in a pretty dark place and I needed him. Perseverance and tenacity have always been both my greatest blessing and biggest downfall. Sometimes my mind gets stuck or fixated on an idea. Must be the Taurus in me. This has brought me both great success and destructive failures. Part of my sadness was that I was mourning the end of our relationship but it didn’t really end. It changed and it will change again and again after that. What is ironic is that I was always fine with it changing. In fact, it has never been anything other than change which is a large part of why it has always been so rewarding and exciting.
Anyway, after I reached out to him in my ultra vulnerable state, he wrote me a very thoughtful and profound email. He is quite the writer. He doesn’t write very often but every time he does, I am blown away. He said a lot of things that resonated with me but there were a few things that really hit me.
“I love you, I’ve loved other people and I’ll love some I’ve not met yet. I don’t particularly believe in true love, or perfect love or the one. I believe in finding the best happiness I can every day with the circumstances I have in front of me.“
Reading this changed something in me. “Finding the best happiness I can every day with the circumstances I have in front of me….” All last night, I kept hearing this in my head. This is the total opposite of how I have been living my life. I have arranged things to assure I can be in complete control. I have been micro managing my interactions with men to assure no one got too close. While flat and uninspired as it sounds, this worked for me for awhile. It served a purpose.
Until one day when to my horror, I started to getting attached to Jason.
This sent me into a panic. A literal tailspin really. I thought “No way! This can’t happen. I will die before I let this fucking happen.” I felt my control slipping away and the more I tried to control my feelings, the worse it got. From there, my insecurity started brewing. I started thinking about all the reasons why he was so much better than me and how I would undoubtedly fuck everything up and he would just leave. In order to compensate for my perceived shortcomings, I kept my distance from him. I purposely ignored his texts. I played games and played hard to get. Stupid stuff. This all made me miserable. Ugh. How depressing and pathetic and can you say guaranteed failure? I let this bring up all my feelings of inadequacy. I let myself spiral into that wind tunnel of despair. I let it effect my whole life and as well as my time with him.
The odds are great that you will find heartbreak again in this life. While I don’t wish that for you, I would rather your find heartbreak in the pursuit of something rather then walling yourself off against the possibility of it. Heartbreak rarely kills one and it reflects the capacity for love and devotion in equal measure.
Yikes. This hit me hard too. I was a closed steel box. How fun and sexy is that? I didn’t let myself enjoy the experience with Jason for what it is. The one happening right now! I was trying so hard to prevent any possibility of heartbreak that I not only squelched the pleasure, I made myself miserable.
I mean who cares what happens in the future? Maybe there won’t even be a future. No one really knows. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I would have spent my last moments not enjoying someone I found a connection with because I was worrying that tomorrow he might disappear. Instead of savoring the experience I would have spent my last minutes keeping him at a distance while simultaneously making myself self think worse and worse about myself.
That is complete insanity and downright foolish.
I still don’t think I am ready for an exclusive relationship. Maybe one day I will, maybe I won’t, but definitely not now. (Although if I ever do, it would absolutely have to be with someone semi-reckless and with an adventurous streak). I’m not quite ready to give up my adventures with Francesca, David and Sir and anyone else that I find interesting. I just need to stop trying to control the uncontrollable and enjoy the ride.
There are still so many ideas and experiences I want to explore but I realized I won’t be able to truly enjoy them unless I stop closing myself off. For today, I am going to enjoy Jason for the charismatic, charming if not slightly maddening, human being he is. If he hurts me? Then he does and I’ll deal with it.
I picked up my phone and called him this morning. He answered and said “My caller ID says this is E calling but I know it couldn’t possibly be her. She doesn’t talk on the phone. Who is this?”
“Very funny. You are a funny man. What are you doing right after work?” I asked.
“Just going to the grocery store then picking (daughter) up at practice. Why? What’s going on? You are acting strange. Is this really E?” He joked.
“Yes, it really is. What grocery store and what time?”
“Safeway. Probably around 6:30. Why?”
“Great. I will see you there. Bye!”
A second later I looked down at my phone and saw a text from him “I’m glad you want to meet me at Safeway but you should know I have a rule that women are prohibited to wear panties when grocery shopping with me.”
I smiled. That is such a Jason thing to say.
I have no idea what the future holds. Will he leave? Will I? Probably one of us will and that’s ok. I am going to enjoy him NOW. I am going to live in this very moment. Damn it feels good to say that and actually believe it.
Thank you Sir. My friend, my northern star and greatest teacher. I love you. You mean the world to me and I am so grateful to have you in my life.